This morning, for the first time in almost two years, I ran a kilometre. Without pain. Without painkillers. And I am so grateful.
It’s been four months since my surgery to decompress my spine and a year since the cortisone shot to try and get me back on my feet. A length of time that felt like an eternity. My mental health suffered without my go-to stress relief activity and the effects of pain management drugs are showing up now, a year later. I don’t really remember parts of last fall… Emails, pictures, stories are cropping up that I don’t remember at all. It is terrifying. Maybe this feeling of whole experiences missing from your memory is what functional addiction feels like?
For everyone that was patient, helpful, loving and present while I was not myself, thank you. I see you and can’t wait to hug you again soon.
Only a few minutes at a time, but I did it! And my back didn’t shatter. I’m calling it a win.
Each morning I walk/run and pretend I am commuting to work. Being out in the village, it’s pretty isolated and quiet but I take care to stay well away from anyone I see. Speaking of ‘seeing’ I’ve seen (and heard) some weird things in the last week:
A kid riding a tire swing with a giant stuffed giraffes
That haunting “ah-ah, ah-ah” from Into the Unknown on the Frozen 2 soundtrack was playing on a court by the river.. not creepy at all
Social Distancing – the act of consciously keeping physical space between people to reduce close contact, to prevent the spread of infectious disease.
It is day three of Coronantine: my children’s schools are closed and my office is closed. I am working from home, trying to support a large team, take training and teach my children what a closed door means. All non-essential businesses and services are either closing, finding new ways to provide their services or, getting peer-pressured into one of the former. Toilet paper is scarce and people are panic buying… It’s :bananas:
I am feeling… weird. Schedules are disrupted. I am investing a lot of energy to check in on people remotely. My kids are mad that Mama is nearby but not available and that leads to some acting out to get my attention. That makes me feel crummy. I am also dealing with disappointment that my surgery was cancelled, indefinitely. Let’s be honest. It could be months before ORs are back to normal operating schedules. So, that sucks to have been so close to pain relief and then the finish line moved. But, it is infinitely more important that resources are redirected toward the COVID-19 outbreak and the people that actually need them urgently. Still, finding pain management strategies is a reality that I need to deal with and it’s hard with everything that’s going on.
Learning to work from home properly, in a sustainable way is real thing too. What used to be a walk to talk someone is now clicking a call button in Slack. The walk to refill my water/tea/coffee is much shorter. Here’s my list of things to do to make this WFH situation better:
I just finished reading The Alice Network by Kate Quinn. A historical fiction, based on the real actions of Louise de Bettignies during World War I, The Alice Network is haunting and incredible. Unapologetic in its depiction of war and the suffering of occupied France, this book grips the reader from the first pages.
Louise de Bettignies, known as Lili in the book, was fearless and witty, quick and brave. Her network was one of the most efficient and effective operations in France. Operating in and around Lille, France, her network of informants could bring down new German fortified positions within days of their being established. The major information revelations in the book were pulled from real reports from de Bettignies. I don’t want to spoil major plot points, but this story had me reflecting whether I would have had the courage to do what these women did… Risking their lives to serve their country. The intimacy of their work, being close to information and power, knowing that getting caught would mean death but not necessarily a quick death. The solitude..the razor’s edge. The constant effort to remain hidden in plain sight. Perhaps my life situation now precludes me from truly knowing what I could do, and for that I am thankful. I hope I never have to know what I’m capable of but I do recognize the courage and sacrifice of women like Louise de Bettignies. Heroes, all. Lest we forget.
I just finished reading The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Into the Dark Side of the Brain by James Fallon. This was a recommendation from a colleague and did not disappoint!
Psychopathy is not something one can just casually assess
From chapter 1: What Is a Psychopath? (Fallon 2013, p. 13)
This book was really interesting, giving me pause to think about my own behaviours and tendencies. Some of the things I like least about my own personality: selfishness, impulsivity, pleasure-seeking, lack of motivation, certainly can be on that psychopathic spectrum but I am empathetic and caring, and I more often make decisions emotionally, rather than via cold logic. But it is still chilling to read that some of the shitty things about me could be shared with a psychopath.
The book is engaging and a very quick read. It balances the academic and the personal, and the outcome is a fascinating glimpse into the inside of someone else’s head- literally and figuratively.
In other news, I struggle to want to do any yoga and walking is boring. So no progress on the moving my body front. I have been drinking more water than usual, so yay me! Celebrate the successes, amirite?
This week I watched Cocktail, the 1988 Tom Cruise movie. Of “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys fame. Watching this movie was a topic of conversation the night I found out I actually like (pink) gin. Judge me. The movie is terrible but it’s still some delightful 80’s confectionery. They just don’t make soundtracks like they used to…
Case in point, the soundtrack to Stand By Me. Or Dirty Dancing.
Name one song from something you saw recently. The Star Wars theme does not count.
I read The Woman in the White Kimono by Ana Johns. It was a loan from my lovely Great Aunt. The Hoodlet has it now. (That’s a reminder for me to collect it from her and return it. In case I ask you who has it.) This was a really interesting story of an American woman learning about her father’s time in the Navy in the early 50’s. Lots of water and all the connotations that come along with it.
What I’m reading: Resonant Leadership
In health news, my back continues to be a bastard. However, I did walk 3km on the treadmill while watching The Marvellous Mrs. Maisel and I didn’t take any prescription strength pain medication today! Extra strength Tylenol and Advil are still very much on the menu…
It’s the end of the year, a time I always do some reflecting.
The last 20 months have been busy and demanding. I finished my Masters degree, dealt with the most debilitating injury I’ve ever experienced, started a new job, and generally tried to hold it together. I’ve been moderately successful… Some of life I’ve handled better than others… I am planning to be better next year.
Rehab for my super sexy herniated disc, focusing on core work and hip flexibility. Measure of success: Run regularly again.
Find a board of directors to help me with career planning, development and progression. Measure of success: Four directors.
Read for fun again. Measure of success: Document it here.
Slow my roll with The Next Thing™. Don’t rush into the next big thing… Measure of success: Knit a sweater.
Yes, I know those aren’t exactly SMART goals and the measures of success are unique but it’s all meaningful for me. You are invited for the ride!
What I’m reading
Philip Pullman’s The Secret Commonwealth and it’s being consumed with some Muscato.
Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being by Brian R. Little
I’m currently reading this for school and only at chapter three. Learning about the Big Five Traits of Personality and the continuum of each (versus the ‘x not y’ approach of other personality tools such as Meyers-Briggs) has helped explain why I get varied results on other tools.
Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor
Part two of the duology that started with Strange the Dreamer. Fanciful and fluid writing. Both were so good. Don’t knock YA until you read some!